My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
