You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
