the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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