I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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