I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
