I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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