I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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