His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
