I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
