Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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