on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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