This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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