I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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