If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
