i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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