This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
