Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
