Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
