he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
