if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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