When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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