Four minutes until I can fart!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
