You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
