Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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