I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
