I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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