No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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