May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
