My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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