i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
And then he peed in my hair
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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