final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize