update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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