Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
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I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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