Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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