My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
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This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
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how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.