did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
