I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The struggles of a small town man whore
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
