I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
