I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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