I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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