I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
