I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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