I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
