I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You've changed since you got that strap on
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
