Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
