she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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