I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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