I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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