Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
