Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
