i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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