just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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