guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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