I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
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I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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