Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
