it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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