Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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