i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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