I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
